SPECS

Do you hear the word "gigahertz" and immediately zone out? Does the word "RAM" make you think of the sound of Porngods pounding each other senseless? Here's a quick and dirty guide on what you need to know about how computers work to pick a solid Porn Machine:

Picture a computer like a desk: you've got your desktop to put stuff you're working on, drawers below, and you doing the work.

The desktop is like your RAM (also called memory). The bigger your desk, the more Porn (and stuff) you can have open at the same time.

The drawers are like your hard drive (also called storage). This is where your stuff lives when it's not open. The more storage you have, the more Porn you can save before your Porn machine gets full. All computers need some "breathing room"— once they start to get really full, they can get stuck cause they don't have room to shuffle things around.

Once your desk space is full, you have to move something back into the drawers before you can open something else. So the more RAM you have, the more you can have open before your Porn machine has to start switching, which can make it feel slow and laggy.

And finally, you are the CPU, the brains of the operation. The faster the CPU, the quicker you can open new files, the more things you can multitask, the faster it can do stuff like editing a picture.

Want to stream cams with bate tunes and hypnotic audio playing and several videos running at once? RAM and a powerful CPU make that possible.

Ok, now you've got a basic understanding of how a Porn machine works! Good job for getting through that, here's some Porn

Now onto how to prioritize:

First you need to know what you're gonna be using your Porn machine for.

Are you more of a browse and save type bator, or are you going to be making your own edits with lots of clips, effects, and audio files?

Do you want a single screen setup, or multiple monitors each playing their own stream of Porn?

Do you want to be able to take it with you to a buddy's house, or is it gonna stay on your desk?

Answering these questions will help you narrow down what you need from a Porn Machine. Only buying what you need means you have money for other things (like Porn and bate gear).

MEMORY

Most modern operating systems (OS) require at least 8GB of RAM to function. I recommend at least 16GB, as 8 fills up quickly even with just a couple tabs and windows open. While computers have gotten better at swapping between RAM and storage (desktop to drawers in the analogy), it can still feel slow sometimes if you're pushing a lot of Porn. Better to spend a bit more here.

STORAGE

Every manufacturer will have different base configurations. Generally, 128GB is pretty small these days. The OS will take up anywhere from 30–50GB, leaving you with just over half of the space left. 256GB is a much more comfortable starting space so you don't have to constantly worry about your hard drive filling up with Porn (yet). For most dedicated Porn addicts, I'd recommend 512 at a minimum.

Storage is where companies will mark up the cost as you increase space. Apple is notorious for this. Here the question is: how important is it for you to have all your Porn in one place? It may be more cost effective to buy an external hard drive or two, keeping in mind your Porn collection won't be accessible without it plugged in.

LAPTOP VS DESKTOP

Most of us are used to every device being portable these days. Lugging around tech to school and work, a lot of our technology can easily come with us. However, it might be a mistake to just assume your next Porn machine should be a laptop, especially if you have a dedicated space to set up for Porn worship.

PORTS

Some laptops have cut down on ports to make lighter smaller devices. If you're not planning on plugging anything in that's fine, but as you add displays, it starts to get annoying to plug and unplug everything.

Desktops will generally have more ports than laptops, and may require fewer dongles depending on the port selection.

MAC VS PC

A solid Porn machine should have relatively few bugs and receive updates for as long as possible. Lately, Microsoft has been kind of weird about cutting off device support (archive) due to increasing minimum requirements, which sucks.

Apple tends to support software updates for older devices, but once it's hit end of life, there are no more updates. Repair options tend to be more limited than with a Windows computer.

sources: theverge.com, lifehacker.com

Microsoft is shoving AI surveillance into every corner of Windows 11. Unless you make sure to opt out over and over, the software takes a screenshot of your entire screen every few seconds, regardless of what you're doing. Passwords, Porn, anything, doesn't matter if it's your private information.

Here's an article from Tom's Guide on how to disable Copilot (archived). Note: some people are saying you have to do these steps after every software update…

Apple is also gathering more data than ever with its "Apple Intelligence" features. It's relatively easy to disable or customize the settings: How to disable Apple Intelligence

Linux

A solid option if you like tinkering and don't mind some app compatibility issues. If figuring out why your laptop can't talk to the trackpad that's built in sounds like a horror movie to you, it may not be the best option.

That said, Linux support has gotten much better in the last few years. I don’t know enough about it to make a recommendation, so if anyone wants to chip in I'm all ears. Here's a rec list from Wired from 2024.

RECS

Apple has transitioned to their own custom designed chips which have come with a lot of efficiency and power benefits. Since they are focusing all their efforts on software designed specifically for these chips, I would avoid any Mac that is based on an Intel processor unless it's an incredible deal and you're okay with not getting software updates sooner than later. (Or installing Linux)

Check out the MacRumor's buyers guide for information on when computers are updated and when is most likely a good time to buy.

MAC

LAPTOP

If you're not planning on making intensive edits with layers and effects, a MacBook Air should suit you just fine. It comes in 13" and 15" models, the 13" base model is $999 (it can often be found at Best Buy and Costco for around $800) and comes with 16GB of RAM ("unified memory") and 256GB of storage.

I have an M2 MacBook Air (a few years old now) and it's great for browsing Porn and playing multiple videos at once, but it starts to struggle with apps like FlipFlip (if you don't know what that is, check out the article on PORNWARE). It also gets really slow when working on moderately complex video editing (50+ clips, multiple layers of effects). It's also limited to one external display at a time which is a bummer. (Newer ones with the M4 chip can support two external).

DESKTOP

The Mac mini is a great deal, starting at $599. It has the same processor as the Air, but supports up to three monitors. It also starts at 256GB of storage; I recommend using external hard drives vs upgrading the internal storage. Expect slightly improved performance over the MacBook air— even with the same chip, the mini has a fan that can cool the processor down.

I suggest the mini over the iMac because at a starting price of $1,299, you're spending $700 for a display.

Since there are a lot more Windows than Mac devices, my recommendations are going to be a lot less specific.

PC Mag and Wired do great reviews and regularly publish recommendations and deals. The Verge also reviews some computers, just not as wide a selection in my experience.

WINDOWS

CHROMEBOOKS

They're probably fine for watching Porn, but I would be wary about setting it up with a Google account for reasons explained in the guide on Safe Pornosex

Porn machines are an investment and it's a great idea to have some sort of protection on them.

RENTER'S/HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE can cover electronics. Check your policy to see what is covered and what deductibles might be. (It'll be on the website or it may be easier to call. Put some Porn on while you do this— it can be pretty dry and tedious.)

CREDIT CARDS sometimes offer electronics coverage as a cardholder benefit, as long as you purchase the device with your card. Check your policy to see what options you might have. (Again, Porn is a good idea to get through this.)

PROTECTION PLANS offered by stores and manufacturers usually offer the quickest and most direct repair process. With products like AppleCare you know the parts will be genuine from the manufacturer, and they can sometimes even do mail in repairs. These plans can be more expensive than other options, but offer convenience.

PROTECTION

For laptops, using an external keyboard is a great way to keep the built in one as grease free as possible. Some keyboards will require a dongle to be plugged in to work, others will work directly with bluetooth. If a dong(le) sounds like something your dong(brain) won't be able to keep track of, go with bluetooth. Most modern devices support 3-4 bluetooth connections max, so if you have a trackpad, keyboard, and headphones, adding another device can cause some lag and dropped audio.

A backlight can make a big difference in ease of use in your dark bate cave. My current keyboard doesn't have one and it makes it much more difficult and distracting to try and type mid-bate.

Some keyboards are rechargeable (check for USB-C!), others require batteries (can use rechargeable as an option). I lean towards rechargeable over trying to mess with AAA batteries a couple times a year or so, but this is up to your personal preference.

ACCESSORIES

KEYBOARDS AND MICE

HARD DRIVES

External storage has gotten a lot cheaper over the last 10 years and will basically always be cheaper than upgrading internal storage.

I have a couple Samsung T7 drives that have worked great. They come in 1, 2, and 4TB and include both USB-A and USB-C cables for maximum compatibility. Check for deals from Amazon/Best Buy, or even Samsung directly. There's also a version with a rubber coating for more drop protection.

Hopefully now you've got a good understanding of what to look for in a Porn machine and feel equipped to go out and find the one that fits your setup best.

If you're just getting started on the process of building out the goon cave of your dreams, make sure to check out this guide for tips!

Happy Porning!