On Solosexuality

"Solosexual" is a word often heard in the bate community, with varying interpretations on meaning. I'd like to add in my observations and some thoughts:

Sexuality is composed of different facets, many of which we speak about commonly enough to have broadly understood terms: Starting with your own identity: you might identify as a man, woman, something in between, or something else entirely. Then there's who you're attracted to: gay, straight, bi, etc. Then labels for the type of sex you enjoy: top, bottom, vers, and relatively recently(?) side. (1)

Solosexuality can be viewed as another component of sexuality, existing like many other traits on a spectrum. Similar to how the Kinsey scale measures sexual orientation from completely heterosexual (0) to exclusively homosexual (6), solosexuality can be a gradient:

Some men are exclusively solosexual, preferring and seeking out sexual experiences of one. That can mean preferring to masturbate alone, or can include meeting up with buddies for bate seshes. Some enjoy sex with other people but primarily choose solosex. Others are exclusively interested in sex with partners.

There is no single, right way to be solosexual. If anything, I think everyone can develop a solosexual relationship with themselves to complement any other sexual desires and identities they feel describe them.

When it's even mentioned, solosex is often the butt of a joke, regarded at best as something that's a waste of time (ever heard something described as "masturbatory"?), and at worst something that is harmful for you. Pejoratives like "jack off" "wanker" and others are used to put down men. MB Timothy talks about this more in his book "The 24 Hour Masturbation Master", I highly recommend checking it out.

There is a lot of pressure in our society to pursue, enjoy, and prioritize sex with another person. Our entire culture, at least the one I can speak for from experience here in the west, all but demands it: the expectation for men is to find a nice girl, get married, have penetrative sex for the purposes of having a family, and that's it. [I'll be talking about this expectation in more detail in a later post.]

This pressure can result in feelings of worthlessness when partnered sex is for whatever reasons not available, or when the pressure has to be "let off" with masturbation; or guilt and shame when partnered sex is expected but not desired. I'd like you to ask yourself: who benefits from these feelings? Who wants you to feel this way? When pressure and expectations come from society, they can feel so normal we often don't even recognize they're constructed for us by other people.

Stripped back from any connotation or cultural influence, masturbation is a completely neutral activity. It's no different than watching TV, riding a bike, playing a game, or having partnered sex.

Exploring solosex and developing a positive, satisfying relationship with yourself is an incredibly rewarding process. Learning what feels good and what you like can help you identify parts of yourself you'd never thought about before, or were afraid to explore. It can also have positive effects on your sexual interactions with others, helping you feel more comfortable and satisfied.

If the oracle of Delphi commands us to "know thyself", who are we to argue?

*While I exclusively describe men, as those are the people I interact with most and can speak about with familiarity, solosexuality is not limited to any single sexual or gender identity.

(1): This article from Huffington Post describing sides is 2013 originally, and the urban dictionary definition was added in 2018.

The Kinsey scale
source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kinsey_Scale.svg#/media/File:Kinsey_Scale.svg